I am a 54-year-old dad of two boys, ages 8 and 10. Both have more energy than me on both days, and being older when I had my children means I am set in my ways. I focused most of my adult life on myself or my beautiful wife.
Typically, I have the same standard excuses other dads have: I am busy at work, and I deserve the downtime. I will make time later. They are okay; they are playing with their friend or, better yet, their PlayStation. I am not an absent dad but not as in the moment as I should be. I am not absent but not present as I should be either.
We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
George Bernard Shaw
Recently a few events gave me a wake up call:
- My youngest imitated me kicking the boys out of my home office, saying I was busy with something. I thought about it and was upset that my boys looked at me that way. I always thought I would be the cool dad when I had kids.
- The age-old time flies analogy. My kids are not getting younger. My ten-year-old could no longer live at the house for another eight to ten years. There are not many years of play left. Worse yet in another two the four years my 10 year old may not want to play with dad anymore, favoring his neighborhood friends.
- The dread call from the principal’s office. My oldest started copping a bit of an attitude at school. I was missing something. I needed to engage more with my boys and figure out what was going on.
Energy and business are my typical go-to excuses. What are some things a dad can do to overcome them? The bottom line is that it is a discipline thing, like exercise, eating well, and working hard. Some days, it is really easy to get to the gym, but some days, you just have to make it happen.
It is the same with your kids. Some days, it is really easy to start a conversation or play a game of cards; other days, getting out on the driveway to shoot hoops feels like heading to the office on Monday morning.
- Lean into low-energy activities: Choose activities that are less demanding on your energy but still engaging for the kids. This can include reading books, doing puzzles, or even watching a movie together with a focus on making it interactive by discussing the story or characters. These activities allow you to have quality time with the kids without requiring high levels of enthusiasm or physical exertion.
- Use play to relax: Approach playtime as a form of relaxation and stress relief for yourself, not just as a task to entertain the kids. Activities like coloring, playing with playdough, or building with blocks can be surprisingly calming and therapeutic. This way, you’re not just playing for the sake of the kids; you’re also giving yourself a chance to unwind. This is a mental reframe that Scott Adams would be proud of. Changing play equals work to play equals investing in my kid’s future has helped me to convert play into something fun versus a survival task.
- Set a timer: If you’re struggling to find the motivation to play, set a timer for a short period—say, 15 or 20 minutes. Often, the hardest part is getting started, and knowing there’s an endpoint can make it easier to begin. Once you’re engaged in playing, you might find that you’re willing to extend the time because you enjoy the interaction. I do not know how many times I have set the timer, but once the play starts, I did not want to stop either! The funny thing is that the kids will love even five minutes of engagement versus no engagement. It is a quality over a quantity thing in many cases. I have been caught off guard by how many times, after a ten-minute football catching session, my boys are ready to do something else, but they are happy Dad spent time with them.
- Incorporate educational elements: Make playtime more fulfilling by including educational elements that require minimal effort from you. For instance, ask the kids to sort toys by color, size, or type, which helps them learn categorization skills. You can also engage in simple science experiments that captivate their curiosity while allowing you to be more of a facilitator rather than an active participant.
- Share the responsibility: Parents versus kids basketball is the best thing since apple pie, in my book. The kids love it. Not only is Dad engaged, but Mom is playing, too! Invite siblings or friends to join in and play together, or even consider a playdate swap with another parent. Kids playing together often require less direct involvement from adults, which can give you a bit of a break. Additionally, taking turns with another parent to supervise playdates can provide you some downtime. Even the neighborhood kids will get involved and is a great way to get through the days it is harder to find the motivation to play.
Remember, it’s okay to have moments when you’re not up for high-energy play. Being honest with your kids about how you’re feeling and finding a middle ground can be a valuable lesson in empathy and adaptability for them.
There is incredible value in playing with your kids. George Bernard Shaw said, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” We do grow old, and time does fly. Keep the opportunities to play with your kids from passing by. Use each moment and give your kids the gift of your time. They will remember you for it, appreciate it, and love you for it.
Get off your butt, play with your kids.
