“Your children will become who you are; so be who you want them to be.”
David Bly
I used to believe that being a good parent meant getting everything right. That I had to always say the perfect thing, do the right thing, and present myself as someone who had it all figured out. In my mind, fatherhood was a performance—one where I couldn’t afford to drop the mask.
But that belief wasn’t born from wisdom; it was born from pressure.
Pressure from books, social media, and well-meaning advice that subtly whispers, “Do it right or risk failing your kids.”
Pressure from my own fears of messing up.
Pressure from wanting to be seen as a good parent—perhaps more than I focused on being one.
The truth hit me one day as I was sitting on the floor with my son. We were building a LEGO castle, and I was trying to get the walls perfect, the windows lined up exactly. My son, meanwhile, was laughing as he stacked blocks haphazardly and knocked them down, over and over. Frustrated, I asked him why he kept ruining the walls. His answer was simple:
“I just want to play with you, Dad.”
My other son is the complete opposite, he gives me a hard time when the the LEGO walls are not perfect.
His answer was equally simple:
“We’re not playing dad, we are building a castle!”
It isn’t always about the perfect castle. It isn’t always about the performance. It was about the connection.
That moment taught me something profound: Parenting is a journey, not a performance.
Our Kids Want Action, Not Acting
Children are perceptive. They might not always understand our words, but they feel our actions deeply. When we try to act like perfect parents—smiling for the photos, reciting rehearsed lectures, holding ourselves together at the seams—they sense the disconnect.
What they really crave is presence, not pretense.
They want to see us trying, failing, and trying again. They want to witness our growth, not our mask. When we show up authentically, we give them permission to be authentic too.
Imagine your child watching you navigate a tough day at work. You could bottle it up, paste on a smile, and pretend everything’s fine. Or you could come home, sit them down, and say, “Today was hard. I’m tired, but I’m glad to be here with you.”
That honesty teaches them more about resilience and emotional health than any lecture ever could.
Consistency Over Perfection
I’ve learned that what my kids remember isn’t the “big moments” — the perfect vacation, the flawless birthday party, the big game. They remember the quiet, consistent gestures:
- Me showing up to their practices, even if I was tired.
- Sitting next to them while they struggled with homework.
- Reading bedtime stories, even when I had work waiting.
It’s not about doing these things perfectly. It’s about showing up consistently, even when we’re imperfect.
This doesn’t mean we should ignore our mistakes. On the contrary, acknowledging when we fall short—apologizing, making amends, and trying again—teaches our kids humility and resilience.
Effort Over Image
In a world obsessed with curated images and highlight reels, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to the “perfect parents” we see online. But kids don’t care about titles, social media accolades, or polished images.
They care that we made time for them. That we sat with them, played with them, laughed with them.
When we prioritize effort over image, we not only connect with them but also model a life where relationships matter more than reputation.
Genuine Love Over Polished Speeches
My kids have taught me that love isn’t shown through grand speeches or perfect words—it’s shown through small, daily acts of care. A hand on their shoulder. Listening attentively. Saying, “I’m proud of you” when they least expect it.
Love isn’t a script; it’s a practice.
It is helping our kids to learn that it is not the destination that is important but the journey.
When we stop viewing parenting as a performance, we give ourselves—and our kids—permission to breathe. We stop worrying about doing it “right” and focus on doing it together.
This journey is filled with messy days, imperfect conversations, and unexpected detours. And that’s okay. Because when we walk this road authentically, hand-in-hand with our children, we’re not just teaching them how to live—we’re showing them how to live well.
They’ll remember that we were there. Not as perfect parents, but as present parents.
Practical Ways to Embrace the Journey
Here are a few intentional steps you can take to shift from performance to presence:
- Be honest with your kids. When you mess up, admit it. Show them that it’s okay to be human.
- Make space for unstructured time. Turn off the screens. Play, talk, and just be together.
- Prioritize connection over correction. Of course, discipline is necessary—but don’t let it overshadow moments of bonding and shared experiences.
- Model resilience. When you face challenges, narrate your process. Let them see how you get back up after a setback.
- Slow down. The world won’t end if dinner is late or if you leave work a little early to make it to their recital.
Closing Reflection
Parenting isn’t a polished stage where we deliver perfect lines. It’s a messy, beautiful journey where we stumble, grow, and love along the way.
At the end of the day, our children won’t remember if we were flawless.
They’ll remember that we were there.
They’ll remember the time we spent with them, the love we showed them, and the resilience we modeled.
That’s the real legacy of a parent who embraces the journey.
The Day Warrior
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The Day Warrior
